Dave does not see himself as a carer; instead, he steps in to cover what his wife cannot manage due to her ME/CFS. Alongside working full time and caring for Jo, Dave takes practical steps to reduce the strain on her.
He also plays a hands-on role in supporting their primary-school aged son, taking responsibility for school runs, and making sure his son can attend clubs and activities. The ability to work full-time from home allows Dave to care for Jo and support his son while continuing his professional career and earning enough to support the family and plan for the future.
Dave works full time for an international investment bank. He is carer to his wife, Jo, who was diagnosed with ME/CFS 7 years ago.
For the past seven years I’ve been a carer for my wife, Jo, who was diagnosed with ME/CFS. When Jo was first diagnosed, the early years were particularly difficult. At one point, Jo was bedbound, and everything we knew about our routines, priorities, and future had to change. Although she is no longer bedbound, Jo still needs long periods of daily rest and is still unable to leave the house very often, and her energy has to be carefully managed every day.
Alongside caring for Jo, I work full-time for a large international investment bank. I’m fortunate to be able to work from home, which has become the cornerstone that allows our family to function. We also have an eight-year-old son, and balancing work, parenting, and caring is a constant logistical challenge. Our son’s school is only a five-minute walk away, yet for Jo that distance is often unmanageable. To make the mornings work, Jo conserves her limited energy so she can sit with our son for breakfast while I log on to work. After that, I take him to school before rushing straight back to my desk by 9 am.
Being a carer while balancing so many responsibilities leaves very little time for myself, and I don’t have free time in the way I used to. For instance, even arranging to meet friends at the pub to watch football often feels impossible because I never know how Jo is going to be from one day to the next. On the few occasions when I am able to take some time for myself, I often feel guilty as it tends to have a knock-on effect elsewhere.
My manager, who is based in America, is a huge support. Her attitude is, “Do what you need to do,” and that flexibility removes an enormous amount of pressure, but I still have work commitments that mean i can’t always be flexible. I can start work earlier, step away to do the school run, and structure my day around the needs at home. I haven’t formally told my employer that I am a carer, although they are aware that Jo is unwell, and I haven’t explored the company’s carers policy or joined the carers chat group because I already have what I need.
Sometimes my job requires long days, and occasionally I travel to London, which is a two-hour journey. These trips feel like a break because it’s time away from the ongoing demands at home. If there were a mandatory return-to-office policy, it would have a serious negative impact on our lives. Even working locally would be difficult. Working from home allows me to care for Jo and our son while continuing in my professional role and earning enough to support our family and plan for the future. That flexibility is effectively an investment in my son’s future, and also enables my son to have as normal a life as possible, including going to sports clubs or parties for instance.
During the working day, I fit in as many household tasks as I can. At lunchtime I’ll batch-cook meals, do the washing, or sort out jobs that Jo can’t manage, and the same at the weekends. There are half-finished DIY projects and a garden that needs attention, but there is never enough time.
Outside of work, our son has an active schedule full of clubs and activities. On the rare occasions I have twenty minutes to myself, I usually use it to nap because I’m so tired. Every decision I make is aimed at reducing pressure on Jo, even down to paying for after-school care later than necessary so I have flexibility with pick-up times.
I don’t describe myself as a carer. In my mind, I’m just filling the gaps where Jo can’t, doing what needs to be done to keep everything together. When Jo was first diagnosed, we didn’t think life would look like this forever. Seven years on, it hasn’t got any easier.
